Friday, March 18, 2011

Lost It

I lost it today. It makes me sad to admit that, but I did. I was having such a good day. Really I was! I went on a field trip with my son today. We went swimming and my little Brody was so happy. We came home from school. Brody didn't have any homework, so I decided to let him play on the computer (His favorite thing to do). After about an hour, I told him it was time to turn it off. This really upset him. I told him that we needed to do something else. I thought he'd gone in his room to draw on his dry erase board, but that wasn't the case. He found Abby's polly pockets and flushed several down the toilet. (Why he does this I don't know, but he's done it several times). Brody clogged the toilet. Rather than coming to me to fix the problem, he kept flushing. When that didn't work he headed off to my bathroom. I caught him with Abby's Polly pockets and told him to come bring them to me. He ran away and quickly handed the polly's off to Alyssa. I chased him and oh my goodness. What a sight! The floor in the bathroom, the hallway, and both of the hall closets was soaked! I ran downstairs, and a large section in the back of our basement was soaked, (Several of our moving boxes and food storage). All I could do was cry and swear. -And I know I don't need to swear. Especially not in front of my kids. I tried to explain to all of my kids..."If the toilet ever gets clogged, please don't keep flushing it. Come get me!" I think everyone understood, except Brody and Alyssa. Brody because of his autism and Alyssa because she's too young. I wish Brody could understand me. It makes me so sad. A part of me wants so badly to believe that Brody isn't going to be autistic forever. Every day when my husband and children say their prayers, they pray "Please let Brody's autism go away." Even Brody prays for it now. :( I truly believe that God can heal Brody, but maybe it's part of his plan for Brody to have it. Brody is 7 years old. He'll be 8 in October. A lot of people have been asking me if he's going to be baptized. I don't think he is. It's so incredibly hard for me to tell people that. -But he just doesn't understand. I sit with Brody every other week on Sunday. I see his classmates engaging in the lessons and talking amongst each other, and I cry. I want my son to participate. I want him to have relationships. I want him to tell me what he's learned. Autism is so cold. If you've gotten this far, I apologize. Sometimes I just need to vent.


Scott and Heather said...

kelly! I'm so glad you wrote this post. Everyone is human. We get angry, we swear and we pray to God that he will change things. I can't even imagine how sad and heartbreaking it is to watch Brody grow and not be the same as the children around him. It doesn't make sense and it certainly isn't fair. I was crying through this post cause I know it must be so hard. Every time I read your blog I am amazed at everything you do for your kids and with them. You are an amazing mom and we all lose it. I do and I only have one kid!

Kathryn said...

Oh, Kelly, it's okay to totally loose it. Sounds like rotten day. I think I would have done the same thing. I too, love to read about all the fun things you do with your kids. You put a happy face on most things, but it's fine to let the hard parts show sometimes. You love your kids, and want them to be happy. I don't know too much about autism, but I do know that he is very lucky to have you for a mom.
When I have a hard day, I love to read the quote on my blog. It helps me look for the shining moments.

R Fitz said...

Oh Kelly....I am so sorry. You don't need to apologize for venting and being sad and frustrated by a situation. We all slip up and occasionally swear and yell at our kids...even those who don't admit that they do...and if they don't then I hate to think what they do instead! Don't feel bad about the decision to not have him baptized...if he doesn't understand then he should be forced into a decision like that. You are an amazing Mom and I have loved watching what a cute Mom you are. Your kids are blessed to have you, especially Brody! Hang in there...better days come after each of our challenges...even if sometimes it seems like the silver-lining takes forever to show up! Love you Kelly!